The Green Beaner

Online Classes and following your dreams..

2011-09-26T14:45:00.004-05:00

Recently I started a class online. It's for work so it's not SUPER exciting or anything, but it will help in the future in case anything happens to the job I'm at now. I think it's great that my boss is paying for me to learn how to do Database Management. But, I have been looking at the other classes they feature and I have to say that sooo many of them seem like they would really help me. I mean it's obvious that I love to write considering that I have a blog and everything..but I really want to learn how to be a better writer. I know my grammar isn't perfect and I could really use some tips on how to get different ideas and how to bring a story together, and I know a class would help me at least a little. I even started another book because I used to read all the time and I've kind of stopped since I moved back to Florida. It's just that I'm always doing SOMETHING I never have time for ME to just sit around and read. I'm either being dragged around by my friends to go out dancing or drinking or I have to work late or dinner needs to be made or I have to clean up or something gets in the way.

Lately though I've been finding time to sit and read or do origami, so I started to read this book called "I'd know you anywhere." It's been really good so far! I bought it while I was in Chicago, but I never read it because it wasn't on my list of books to read. I know that sounds silly since I bought the book to read it, but what I mean is I was trying to read life magazines list of 100 top english language books of all time. It really was great because I read a lot of books I otherwise might not have read. I still haven't finished the list though..I need to get back on that! Maybe once I'm done reading the book I'm on now and another book that I'm interested in, I'll get back to that list. In the mean time, just reading all these books will help me get more familiar with different styles of writing. Maybe one day when I'm more comfortable I'll write a book. I'm not even sure what it will be about, but I hope that I'll look back on this post and be happy to know that I achieved one of my dreams.

Google Translate

2011-09-20T10:36:00.003-05:00

Ayer me pasé mucho tiempo pensando en lo que quería publicar. Yo tenía un montón de ideas diferentes, pero cada vez que trataba de sentarse y escribir me sentí confundida y mi mente se queda en blanco. Entonces tuve la idea, porque estaba escuchando música de una película de Bollywood. No podía recordar la traducción exacta de la canción, me recordó lo que me hizo sentir que yo sabía lo que estaba diciendo. Todavía me dio esa sensación, y yo podía entender por que lo que estaban tratando de expresar.

Así que ayer mi jefe me hablaba de traductor Google y cómo usted puede escribir lo que quiero escribir, en Inglés, y que sería su traducción a cualquier idioma que usted decide que quiere. Me gusta mucho la función, porque siempre he querido aprender español. Quiero decir que yo intentado muchas veces para escuchar a la gente habla español, escuchar música, ver programas diferentes y todavía me siento tan nervioso incluso a tratar de decir algo en español. Lo bueno de esto, una vez que se traduce para usted, puede desplazarse sobre la palabra en español y le mostrará que la palabra en Inglés que se traduce en. Voy a tratar de usar más a menudo y voy a leer lo que escribo en español hasta que empieza a calar y tener sentido. Hasta entonces la mayoría de mis mensajes estarán en Inglés por lo que no hay que preocuparse!

Passage to India

2011-09-13T11:36:00.008-05:00

I had this super crazy dream last night. I usually remember my dreams, but never in such detail. I could almost feel the texture of things, or smell the scent of the flowers surrounding me. But this wasn't your ordinary dream. It almost seemed as if I was given the chance to look at a chapter of my life from long ago; maybe a life before this one. It started off with me moving to India;
but this seemed to be a long time ago..maybe early 1900's? When I arrived I was greeted by a royal family who adopted me. When we finally got back to the palace, we took a tour around their garden. It was soo beautiful with so many different flowers and bushes and exotic trees that I had never seen before. They had gazebos made of sea shells that glittered in the sunlight and glowed when the moonlight touched its surface. I even remember a photo being taken of my new family and me. They were such beautiful people inside and out. I was really enjoying my new life there; always heading to the gardens for some time to reflect. I remember it being very bright and hot out.
A year had passed and I was very satisfied with my life. We would always go every where together, my family and I..and we loved to take pictures. But one day we get a phone call from the US. They said it was for me. I don't remember the conversation that I had, but I remember shortly afterwards returning to the US. Something happened and I was no longer able to stay in India. I wish I would have known what happened to make me return.

Either way, I've always felt a connection to India. I sometimes wonder if maybe I was Indian in a past life; I've even had Indians joke with me about it because I kind of look Indian. But who knows, maybe I'll never know the truth.

Murder Victim

2011-09-11T17:20:00.010-05:00

So yesterday my cousin invited Alex and I to a small family get together to honor a few birthdays. My Aunt Lucy was there and I was glad to see her because it had been so long since the last time I saw her. Even though I was never really close to her before (mainly because my mom and her didn’t get along), I felt really close to her this time. I think once you know how someone has been hurt in the past; you can’t help but analyze them. I couldn’t stop looking over at her, wondering: what is she thinking? We were watching this thing on tv about these women who have done horrible things like torture and murder. Some of them got away with it a few times and she seemed really bothered by it. She even asked if we could change the channel. I agreed that it was a bit graphic, even though it didn’t really bother me because I used to be really into forensics back when I was a teen. I just knew it was hitting a little too close to home for her. My mom recently told me a story about my aunt Lucy's past, and ever since I could no longer feel she’s done wrong by doing drugs and becoming an alcoholic. Not to say that it’s OK to do that, but I think that in order to survive for some people, they have to forget what has hurt them.

My aunt Lucy was always looked down upon by a lot of people in my family because she used to run away as a kid and would be missing for months at a time. My family knew that she was out partying, having sex and doing drugs. She used to hang out with this girl, her best friend, who had been a bad influence on her. They were both very pretty girls who liked to party and have fun, but would take it too far too many times. My grandparents finally told Lucy that she couldn’t hang out with her anymore. She had spent 2 weeks without her, staying home and I guess being a regular teen. She didn’t even go to her friend’s birthday party, which as sad as it was; probably a good thing. That night my aunt Lucy's friend was brutally murdered. They say that once everyone else had gone home, she stayed out with some guy who happened to be driving. That night she never came home. They ended up finding her badly beaten in an alley way somewhere in downtown Chicago. They had an open casket funeral because her parents wanted everyone to see what drugs and alcohol could do to you. My mom said that people could barely recognize her. They never found the killer.

Weeks later my aunt ran away, disappearing with her friends. When she returned she told my mom that when the cops saw her, they brought her in for questioning. They harassed her many times, even though my aunt explained that she hadn’t gone out that night. She wasn’t even allowed to. Yet they questioned her, showing her pics from the crime scene, asking if she knew who had done this to her friend.
She said those pics gave her nightmares. She kept seeing her friend's face all bloody with worms covering her eyes. Her friend would ask her in those dreams to find out who had killed her. She was only 15 when she died.

Now today, I look at my aunt in a different light, because I never knew she had experienced so much pain. I tried to think of how I would have handled something like that happening to one of my friends..it killed me. I wanted to go up to my aunt Lucy and hug her. Even her own children disrespect her for being the kind of person she was back then. Calling her a whore or a bitch..or even a drunk. All these people who are supposed to love her, hurt her..and she has already known so much pain. I think it’s good to know what has happened in people’s past. Even though she doesn’t know I know what happened, I feel like I can help her cope. Maybe one day she'll finally forget those nightmares that have haunted her for as long as she can remember.

It's been a long time..

2011-09-06T14:01:00.003-05:00

I've been absent for a while on this thing. I think the main reason is because every time I think of something to post, I start to wonder if I'm giving too much information. I mean it would be one thing if all of my readers were complete strangers, but I know not all of you are. I don't know who reads this thing, and honestly I'm not really sure I want certain people knowing certain things about whats going on in my life. I would hate to have to constantly censor everything, and worry about what I write and who might see it. But I did find an old journal of mine when I moved to my new place. I always loved finding them and reading what I wrote down back in the day. I know one thing hasn't changed: I still love Alex. In fact he was one of my main topics..but shit what else is new? lol!

I do want to visit you guys more, I just need to figure out what it is I want to write? Maybe I can change the settings to be more private..too bad I can't block certain people. Anyway, I'm at work right now. Same place as before, only now I'm making more money and I'm in the IT Deptartment. Can you believe that? I went from being so broke all the time, barely making ends meet, depressed that I had reached such a pathetic existence to making an amazing salary! I used to scrounge for change; now it sits at the bottom of my purse and every few weeks its collected and added to my glass boot with the rest of them. It's funny how things change like that..hopefully it'll stay this way for a while.

Alex and I have a new place together..although it's not really new, and it's not even our place. We moved in with one of his brothers friends: Paul, his girlfriend Monica and their daughter Alexia. They're all very nice and the place is pretty cute too. Paul is a firefighter which I think is pretty cool. Monica is currently handicap. She had a bad accident and shattered her heel. I feel so bad for her. :( She seems to be a very sweet, loving person and it kills me to know she's gone through soo much pain recently. Then their daughter Alexia, who's 5, is soo cute! She looks just like her mommy, but has her daddy's light hair and eyes. I hope my children will be a nice mixture of me and Alex..that is of course if we end up having children.

So as far as I'm concerned, everything seems to be pretty good right now. I got a nice new place, a good paying job, a loving boyfriend and some what ok friends, lol just kidding! Talk to you guys soon, I promise!

Osama Bin Killed

2011-05-02T14:13:00.006-05:00

Finally America has something to really celebrate! I honestly saw the news last night and thought for a minute that it was some kind of hoax or comedy channel. I jumped for joy once the story was confirmed and all the bees are buzzing about this victory.

Maybe to some people celebrating someones death is a horrible thing, but god damnit that asshole deserved it! He killed so many innocent people and he doesn't deserve to breathe!

Anyway, I really hope that with his death we can have a little bit of closure for all of the people who lost loved ones because of him and his followers. It goes to show that even the impossible endeavors can be completed if we don't give up.

I feel soo good today. Finally after 10 years we can say "WE GOT HIM!"

It's a good day to be an American!

Premarital sex and child neglect

2011-04-26T10:37:00.007-05:00

It might not be much longer before I'm going to be moving again. Nothing drastic this time I swear! Alex and I were planning to get a house with our good friend Matt..but it turns out that despite the market right now, finding the perfect house that would fit our budget and also fit our needs as far as space and pets are concerned isn't exactly easy. We went to see a few houses, but they either needed too much fixing or they were already being snatched up by other buyers.

Anyway, just today Alex's dad made it clear that me spending the night is not ok because he doesn't think we should be having premarital sex. He's a jehovah's witness and he's become quite the religious man. Now I understand that that is how he chooses to live his life and all and it is his house, but who is he foolin? Alex is a grown man, and he's over here telling him that he can't shut his bedroom door when I'm over his house? I hate to say it pops but we've been intimate for a long time now, and just because you don't think it's right for us to be having sex doesn't take back all the times we did..or all the times in the future that will definitely present itself. We are both adults and it could be a hell of a lot worse..shit..Alex could be bringing over different girls every night. But that's not the case, Alex and I have been dating for 3 years now (even though I was in Chicago for 10 months) and it's a pretty well known fact that we are inseparable. (Contradiction)

Good thing is I'll be able to get away from my mother. I know it sounds terrible, but honest to god, her negativity drives me up the wall. I wish you guys could see how she answers me when I try talking to her. I'll ask her a simple question and she barks at me like some hostile dog within a fenced in yard. I really don't get it sometimes. I know she's broke all the time and she obviously has some kind of mental issue but I'm always trying to help her. I even paid for her to get a better phone and all she does is bitch about every little thing she doesn't like about it. It's like gee thanks mom, glad you really like your new phone that I paid for..it's not my fault you're set in your ways and learning something new is not only impossible but absolutely ridiculous. Give me some credit here. Be thankful that I'm not so bitter to not talk to you anymore..considering all that she put me through back in '06. Don't even get me started because it's an ugly story that should honestly be buried deep in the woods and forgotten forever if I ever want to live a normal life.

Who I am today is based solely on where I've been and where I choose to go in the future. I've seen a lot of things in the past that changed how I look at life and how I choose to react to certain situations. I remember once watching through the screen door as handcuffs were being tightened up on my mothers wrists. At the time I was so angry at the cops for putting my mom through that kind of pain. She was crying and pleading with them, but cops don't really care what life has done to you. I was 14 years old at the time and my brother was only 10. My mom went to jail and Anthony I were stuck fending for ourselves for a few days while my mom was being charged with child neglect. Yet who neglected to make sure that my brother and I were going to be taken care of? Why would the cops just leave us there?? We survived, but it was very scary at night. All I could think about was someone breaking into the house and me being 100% responsible for my brothers welfare. I know my mom should have done things differently, but who am I to tell her how to raise her kids. I never had kids. But at that stage in my life, as young as I was, I got a tough look at what it means to live in the real world. But guess what? I'm still alive and breathing! It could have been a lot worse..that's my freaking motto.

Like attracts like

2011-04-20T14:00:00.007-05:00

Don't you just hate when you're in a good mood, you get up on time with out feeling fatigued, you wake up next to the love of your life, you got laid last night, the weather is suitable with what you're wearing, traffic was a breeze, you get to work on time..and then Debbie downer starts being fucking negative making you feel like shit after all those good feelings. You even try to uplift them to feel more of what you're feeling and then they blow it off like you're crazy for being fucking happy with your life. I just wish for once that I could be surrounded by positive people who won't throw me off my cloud of happiness.

Now I know that there's a reason for people being negative..life can be tough sometimes..I know first hand how it feels to stress over money, family, health, love life..etc. But what I don't like is when the person who feels bad starts sending that negative energy to the other side of the room so that you start to feel shitty too. I hate to say this but I have my own problems and I'll definitely be there to listen but if I say something good don't knock it out of the playing field with another negative swing. It kills me. Woe is me is so played out these days..if you're worried about something that YOU CAN fix in your life then do something about it! I did whatever I could to make my life fit my needs..I freaking moved across the county, TWICE! Maybe going to Chicago wasn't exactly what I needed in the long run but I took care of ME for once. And even though I decided to come back to Florida, my experiences in Chicago helped make me appreciate life because going through all those hard times is what opens your eyes when the good times are rolling! Wake up people!

STAY POSITIVE!!

Pennywise

2011-04-19T13:17:00.004-05:00

My wisdom teeth are growing in again..I say again because they've been growing in for years but every now and then they take breaks and my mouth gets a few months of relief before the pressure headaches hit me again. It's been pretty bad the last couple days. Before I would just feel a little soreness around my gum and maybe a little pressure, but this time I've been in so much pain that I've actually lost a bit of my appetite. I probably need to get them removed but I'm not currently financially fit to make such a purchase. $1500 is chump change to some, but to me that'll pay off a lot of bills that I have on the back burner right now. Not to mention my sisters wedding is coming up and that'll cost me a round trip ticket to Chicago and back. Funny thing is, my boss has kind of been an inspiration to me. I mean he spends like a god damn animal sometimes..breakfast every morning from his favorite restaurant..a treat from the cuban cafe at lunch etc etc..and that's an every day thing. He'll get his account to an all time low and at the drop of a dime he's filling it back up with money. To some people, going broke encourages them to fight harder to be rich. I think I'm one of those people because I still haven't given up, even after all the bullshit I went through up in Chicago with losing my job and buying a car, finding a place to stay with barely enough pay to make it by. Now I sit in a small office in Boca making more money then I ever have with the opportunity to make a lot more.

Alex suggested that I should go to Nicaragua to get my wisdom teeth extracted. He said it'll probably only cost $200. Now I hope I don't sound like an American snob, but I would be kind of afraid to get surgery in another country. How do I know that I'll be safe? But then again, it's not like America is so perfect..because humans aren't perfect. Honestly I'll probably completely forget about my wisdom teeth once they stop hurting my mouth.

This is random but I've been OBSESSED with Words with Friends lately..in fact, if you're reading this now you should add me! BonitaLolita is my screen name :) I literally play all day long with multiple people. It's a lot of fun because it gets your creative mind going and you can't help but strive for a better word each time. My cousin Melinda suggested that I take all the words and make a story out of them! I think I will <3

Until next time!

Friend or Foe?

2011-04-18T10:36:00.004-05:00

I don't really feel I have any thing new to tell about..although a lots been happening lately. I recently saw an old friend of mine named Katie. She just had a baby 3 months ago and it's crazy how much her son looks like her. We were both at Myra's bridal shower which was very nice thanks to Silvia and Myra's mom (I can't remember her name!) It seems like everyone is getting into the baby making business. I know I want to but I definitely want to wait a while since Alex and I aren't really ready financially. Plus I want to be married.

My brother David had some what of a tragedy just recently. It started off kinda rocky when his ex gf Christal got pregnant by him. They had already broken up and everything but I guess they had one last go and Christal got pregnant. My brother was really stressed about it because she's really clingy and EXTREMELY jealous and he didn't want to deal with her bullshit for the rest of his life. My whole family felt bad for him and the baby, because what kind of life can you have when your mom and dad are separated right from the start? But we started to get kind of excited..I mean we were about to have a new niece, grand daughter, cousin..etc. We figured, what the heck? The baby is coming no matter what the circumstances are and we want to be here, ready to love and nourish her. Even my brother got excited, thinking about raising her and protecting her and having a daddy's little girl. But then 2 weeks ago we find out that Christal was in the hospital and the baby was dead. Something went terribly wrong and now we have nothing to really look forward to. It was so sad, and even though I think Christal is kind of crazy, I felt really bad for her. I couldn't imagine giving birth to a dead baby..must be so traumatizing.

I told my mom that Alex and I plan to have babies, she just has to wait a little.

Another topic I wanted to bring up is women. I seriously can't stand women nowadays. I know that sounds ridiculous because I am one, but what I'm getting at is the fact that women are so cruel to each other. They're so jealous of one another its sick. God forbid you have a nice body, a hot boyfriend, a good head on your shoulders, etc..other women will get soo angry at the fact that you seem to have it all. Even though no one is perfect, if you give the illusion that you are, people will try to find ways to discredit you. They'll black mail each other just to prove a point. But you know what my strategy has been with women like that? I fucking delete them from my life. I say bye bye and never speak to them again because I have no time or patience to deal with dumb bitches who think they can play me like some fool. I know I'm being kind of bitchy, but I've been holding this in for a while now. I guess I just need to reevaluate what people deserve to be in my life and which ones to get rid of.

Home Sweet Home

2011-03-30T15:18:00.012-05:00

So it's been a while seen I've last updated all of you on my current circumstances as well as my thoughts and feelings on it all, so there is a lot of catching up to do. First off, I landed a job. Yeah I know, in this economy,that's great news. Not only that but I'm making more money then I ever have (except when I worked two jobs of course.) It's going pretty good so far, it's in Boca Raton, Fl right down the street from that Indian Restaurant I'm always raving about.

On a deeper level, I've been kind of "observing" my mom lately..and I'm afraid that she's aging much too fast. My dad too..although I haven't really spent much time with him lately since he lives in cali. But anyway, it kind of makes me sad thinking about my mom and the life she's lived. I mean she had all of us (7 kids) and I know that she loves us and her life wasn't a complete disappointment..but I know my mom is not happy with how it turned out. She lives in a terrible neighborhood, her kids don't really show her respect, she has no husband or boyfriend or any friends who she spends time with. She hates her job, she hates the people she works with, she has no car, her house is falling apart...etc. I know most of what has happened is from her own lack of motivation and responsibility, but it doesn't' mean that I don't see in her that young 18 year old who got knocked up, married and had a crap load of kids to take care of while her husband (my dad) was running around the country, trying to make a living so us kids could eat a meal and have a nice warm bed to sleep in at night. I see how life can effect people..sometimes it doesn't always have a good effect, depending on the person and who or what is influencing them.

I've also been spending a lot of time with Alex, because of course, he's the reason I couldn't' spend another minute in Chicago. We are very happy and I feel like a brand new person..I can feel the difference. I know this sounds CRAZY, and I honestly don't think I could ever go through with it, but I used to obsess over the thought of suicide. For a while there I thought my life had passed the point of being able to fix. I'd have my moments where I would think it over..how could I do it? Where would I go? What would my family and friends think? Is it even worth it?
The last 2 questions usually set me back on the right track and I wouldn't feel so horrible anymore. That's why I love my family..they give me what I need to carry on.

Anywho..I don't mean to sound all depressing so I'll end it there. I was just reflecting on old thoughts and feelings that I finally feel free from. I hope that I'll be able to update this thing a little more frequently, I've just been all over the place trying to see friends and go to all the places I've missed while I was gone. But in time, things will settle down again and life will be at a more relaxed pace..YEAH RIGHT!

Eye Candy (Me) and FOOD

2011-03-15T21:42:00.011-05:00

So I was at Barnes and Noble earlier and I was getting ready to leave so I walked over to the cookbook section to put back some of the vegan cookbooks I was checking out and this guy says to me "oh so you like to cook huh, do you have any cookbooks you recommend?"

So of course I assumed he was hitting on me..obviously.
I responded 'Well I'm vegan so I'm not sure you would like anything I picked.' "Oh a Vegan huh? Where do you get your protein?"

.....

yeah the usual, if I had a nickel for every time someone asked me that I'd be a millionaire, but I told him the obvious, beans, grains and vegetables. He seemed a bit surprised by the vegetables but it's true, I don't care what any meat eater thinks. He then went on to ask me about eggs and ranch dressing. As if that makes up an amazing diet. I was never into ranch, I thought it was disgusting. I actually prefer vegan ranch dressing and when alex tried some at the Wild Cow in Nashville, TN he was loving it too. Which reminds me, duh, I have to post pics of all the vegan food I ate on my road trip from Chi-town to Florida. It was amazing. I swear to god I would do it again just for the food..but maybe next time I'll just fly there.

That was the vegan Nacho cheese we got from The Wild Cow..it was sooo good!

Alex's Taco Salad with Vegan sour cream and ranch dressing..it seemed like a weird combo but the ranch mixed rather well and I was stealing bites whenever he had his mouth full of food.

And the winner here was my AMAZING Philly Cheezesteak..it was absolutely ridiculous!!
It even came with Baked Potato soup..omg I want to go back right now!!

We also stopped in Atlanta to meet up with my friend Maricela and her boyfriend and we ended up at this restaurant called Soul Vegetarian. It was pretty good but the service could use some work.

I know this isn't the greatest pic, but let me explain..I was REALLY hungry. We had been driving for HOURS and when we got there Maricela told me she would be a while..so I ordered my food and before I could even snap a photo I started to stir it up. It was soo good. It was a chickpea cutlet with gravy, mac and cheese, corn bread, seasoned rice and some vegan lasagna. Man..just thinking about it makes me hungry.

I need to go back!

Get me outta here!

2011-02-23T08:49:00.007-06:00

So my departure is almost in sight. I only have a little over a week before I can be with my babe again and I don't have to deal with all the bullshit involving my room mate. I actually moved out on the 21st because the idiot tried to break into my bedroom. First off, I've been holding back quite a bit on here, because I knew that he knew about my blog and I was afraid he would discover how much I fucking hated him. I loathed this piece of shit excuse for a human being. Not only was this guy a complete slob (never did dishes, would put food in the trash with no bag, room was so covered with crap you couldn't walk in there without stepping on something) but he also had NO COMMON SENSE! I repeat: NO COMMON SENSE! If I took the time to write down a list of all the dumb shit this guy did, not only would it be a big waste of my time, but it would further prove that he had NO COMMON SENSE! To make matters worse, this guy was an EYE SORE, and I'm not even exaggerating. He had what I like to call "shark teeth"
it's freaking gross, his teeth were all over the place and some of them were yellow. Then to add insult to injury he ate the most disgusting things I've ever seen. He would literally pile ketchup on his plate, even with things that didn't go with ketchup and I swear to god his one toenail was so long that hit the floor when he walked and I could hear it tap tap tap.

As I've stated previously, I can not stand this non human freak of nature. So I'm very excited that very very soon he will be a thing of the past (and I say thing literally.)

My babe will be flying up here so he can rescue me from the cold dark winter and take me to a land of plantains and yuca fries where the spanish population thrives! I've already got some promising leads as far as jobs are concerned, and all my friends are so excited that they'll finally get to see me!

I do feel bad leaving my family behind, I will really miss them because I spent most of my life not seeing them and now I finally had a chance and here I am going back to Florida. Although it was my choice, I still feel bad about it. But either way I'm going back because I know that Florida will forever be my home. As much as I always thought I was from "Chicago" because I was born here..it'll never be true. I'm a Floridian, and I'm ready to be back where I belong!

Hot yogi baby

2011-02-07T21:49:00.003-06:00

I went to Yoga yesterday and my freaking body feels like Hercules gave me a personal training session over a span of 100 years. I can barely do anything, I'm lucky to even muster enough energy to blog, you guys should be proud of me. So anyway, I'm not gay or anything (not that I have anything against gays because I don't, I'm just stating a fact) but I was checking out some of these yogi chicks..and god damn I need to start doing yoga more!

um..just saying. I can literally feel that every muscle in my body was being put to the test..and it was so inspiring. I feel so good knowing that while other people were still sleeping, I had already had one of the most intense workouts. It's funny that people think of yoga as being some lame ass way to get fit or that yoga is for weak little girls. But if that was the case, then how could they do this?

This shit is no joke, and I plan on doing it more often so I can have a rockin' Yogi body baby!! That's all for now folks, time to do some yoga <3

I'm rich bitch!

2011-01-31T22:02:00.007-06:00

I feel like I have a million dollar plan here. I'm really getting my shit together in MY life and I'm not worried about what anyone thinks about it. I have the love of my life by my side (not physically but spiritually) and I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I feel like I've found freedom. Freedom from trying to be what everyone thinks I should be. All my life I've tried to please people..people who thought I was too fat, or too loud or too much like ME. Then when I lost a few pounds, shut up and censored who I really am, people wanted me to open up and stop being stuck up about my hot body (lol no kidding). But I've reached a point in my life where I realize that no matter I do I will always have someone there who wont agree 100% with everything I do. And I'm ok with that. I don't need approval, not even from my family. I'm happy being who I am, and if people don't like it then too fucking bad.

I'm just happy knowing that the one person I truly love, loves me for ME! I don't have to pretend with him because he really loves my personality and we get each other. It's almost fucking perfect. I think the only thing keeping it from being absolutely perfect is our money situation..I feel like we have soo much potential just waiting to be utilized and I'm fucking ready to take charge and start making that money. No more bullshit jobs where I'm barely making ends meet and I'm working my ass off trying to prove myself to some idiot who just kissed the right ass cheeks to get where they're at. PFFT!

I don't know what started this rampage but I'll tell you one thing, I'm not even mad! I'm so happy with where my life is leading that I say fuck the bullshit. I can do anything I want, watch me! My goal right now is to move to Florida, find an awesome job and start looking into schools so I can be edumacated lol.
Like this guy:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vZKXAFqdlC4&feature=rec-LGOUT-exp_fresh+div-1r-11-HM

Lmao! Goodnight people!

Snow, snow and more freaking snow..

2011-01-31T12:25:00.004-06:00

Things are not looking too good for Chicago for the next few days. Apparently this huge blizzard is being blown over here from the Rockies and we should expect almost 2feet of snow. Not only am I not looking forward to this, I'm feeling a bit terrified. If only I had the money to get the hell out of here I'd pack my shit tonight and start racing towards the south. Basically I need to stock up on survival items because I'll be stuck in my sad little apartment with my sad little room mate. On the bright side I have to finish A Clockwork Orange before the 7th so I'll have plenty of time to get through it while the world falls apart outside.

Maybe when this little blizzard is done I can build some kind of snow creature. I'm thinking that I WONT build a snowman because that seems too basic and boring.

Anyway, if you guys don't hear from me, assume I'm dead.

It's amazing..

2011-01-30T21:31:00.008-06:00

It's so strange when you feel like you have so many people who don't agree with the decisions you are making, but then they drink a little beer and suddenly what you're doing is not only acceptable but sought after. Not to say that my family doesn't support me, but I know they were really disappointed when they found out I was leaving town and heading back to my home state. I always knew that my sister Eva and her husband Dave wanted to move to Florida, that's why I didn't understand why I was getting so much criticism..it's not like I would be the only one in Florida or that I'm the only one leaving the "family". Then my sisters husband John was talking about how he would love to live in the Pensacola area..and before you knew it they were whipping out a florida map and discussing different locations and dreams of many years in the making. All of a sudden I felt at peace, like maybe they understand now..maybe I can talk about it openly and not feel like I'm walking on eggshells.

When I was driving home, I felt so much better so I called my mom excited about my drive back down. I know it'll take a least a day, but I'm looking forward to it, it'll be an adventure for me! So many beautiful sights to see and I'll feel so free!

Plus I'll have my love with me, it'll be the best feeling in the entire world. I couldn't imagine spending anymore time away from him. When we finally reach Florida, and the beach is right there looking so beautiful, I might cry. I'm serious. I feel as if I've been waiting my entire life for that moment, when everything will be in order and my life will finally be in my hands again. Alex and I have so many plans and so many dreams that we share together, how could anyone understand that? No one has been there listening to our conversations, hearing the love we have for one another. Or all the cute talk we have, it's so fun and I always feel so happy and loved when I talk to him. That's something I can't ignore..when the person you love treats you so good and makes you so happy, how could you stand being so far away from them..from your destiny..

The Witching hour the Universe and BAD boys

2011-01-27T11:06:00.007-06:00

I really don't understand men some times. I mean I know women and men have their differences but I swear to god they don't think at all. There's this guy who I've been friends with for years now on Myspace and Facebook and I always kind of knew he was digging me based on some of our conversations, but I never really cared or paid any attention because I've been in love with Alex for years now. So anyway I'm on facebook and he randomly messages me that he's had the biggest crush on me and that he's mad that I'm going back with Alex and that I deserve better, blah blah blah..

But here's the thing, why are you telling me that YOU want to be with me when you're getting ready to propose
to your girlfriend? What good does that do? Not to mention that you know that I'm madly in love with Alex. It's all over my facebook, anyone who's anybody knows that I would die for him..and yet you think that you just have to say you like me and that I deserve better and I'm supposed to just forget about Alex and run away with you? Get real! Anyway, I know it's no big deal because I can just ignore him and everything, but damn I feel bad for his girl. I can just imagine how happy she will be when she gets that ring..not even knowing that days before her so called boyfriend was telling another girl his feelings for her and even hinting that they should hook up. Most guys don't realize it but whenever I see some dumb shit like that I always lose respect for the guy. Especially considering how beautiful his girlfriend is..and if it's something to do with him not being happy like she mistreats him then maybe he should do something about it instead of being a big fat liar. Maybe I'm being too harsh, but being a woman, I would hate to think that guys are out there acting like douchebags before they propose to the women they "love". And I know that woman aren't exactly angels walking on earth because we make mistakes too but I just don't like it at all. It pisses me off.

On a stranger note.I've been waking up every night around 3am (the witching hour) and in a trance I've been turning my bedroom light on. The first time it happened I didn't realize that I was the one turning on the light. I kept waking up when my alarm went off and I would wonder how my light got on. At first I thought that I just didn't remember to turn it off..but after a few times I started to become very skeptical because I can NOT stand leaving the light on when I go to bed. Then the last few nights I remember waking up, checking my cell phone and seeing the time and turning the light
on and getting back into bed. The strange part is I don't know what would prompt me to turn on the light, since like I said I don't like having it on. So this morning I was telling Alex about it, and even he knew that wasn't normal for me. This is where it gets weird. So I get these "Notes from the Universe" which is basically personalized emails sent you reminding you of life's magic..etc etc. Everyday I get one (Mon-Fri) I always check it because it inspires me and makes me feel happy. So today I go to check it, and look what I found:

It wasn't ever supposed to hurt, Alexandra. You weren't ever supposed to cry. And I never dreamed you'd sometimes feel so helpless.

Yet, as things have turned out, lots of folks have trouble getting out of bed on cold, dark mornings.

Anyhow, Alexandra, should there also be the occasional pain, tear, or touch of sadness beyond that, please realize these were anticipated, bargained for, and even sought after. As each would illuminate your resiliency, prove your strength, and help you blast through every flimsy notion that would otherwise keep you from seeing that even now I hold you in the palm of my hand and that all things are possible.

Such a deal,
The Universe

Alexandra, couldn't you just turn on all the lights and pretend the sun is already up?

If that's not the craziest thing you've ever seen then please share with me what could possibly be crazier.
When I read that this morning my heart started pounding and I couldn't stop thinking about it. My life can be very strange sometimes. Maybe I'm just imagining things but I feel like I'm being pulled by some divine force into the direction I need to go. I can't explain this feeling, but the getting up in the middle of the night is not like me at all.

Same topic, different post

2011-01-25T10:17:00.004-06:00

I hope there was no misunderstanding in my words. I do not wish to critisize or discredit the people I love. What you have read is merely my heart begging for answers and the anger you can sense in those questions are just my frustrations with not being understood. For most of my life I've always felt very proud of my family. I felt so lucky to have my siblings to keep me company and to know that I had so many people in my life that I could trust and depend on. So when I feel that my loved ones don't appreciate me or don't care about my feelings, it really hurts me. I really couldn't care less about what most other people thought of me, but with my family it means a lot.

I know sometimes I don't seem to be very happy, but I really am. Every day I know that I am so lucky to be loved. Even when certain people in my life aren't particularly nice to me I know that it could be a lot worse. For one, I have the greatest boyfriend in the entire world. He is so sweet and understanding of me. Whenever I'm sad or my feelings are hurt he's always there to make me smile again, even when he's the one that hurts my feelings. I just hope that eventually my family will learn to accept and understand me for me...

Blood is thicker than..?

2011-01-24T08:38:00.004-06:00

Dear Reader,
I noticed recently that I have a huge flaw. It came about when I realized that just because people are related to you, doesn't mean they'll love you the way you want them to. I guess I should have realized before that I'm much different then most of my family. I've been away from them almost my entire life, so far away from conflict and daily aggravations. But is it wrong for me to feel so much pain when my ideal world falls apart and the truth is glaring at me like my worst nightmare?

Last night I had a dream, and I know it's correlated with the issues I've been having recently. It started at some kind of theme park because I remember standing in front of a food stand, starving and I was waiting for my first sister to claim her delicious prize while the rest of us watched and waited. When it came to be my turn my other sister jumped in front of me, which was ok at first..I mean it's no big deal right? Then once again when my turn came around my other sister jumped ahead of me. I was getting very annoyed because I was absolutely starving and I felt that this was getting out of hand. The last time it happened I was absolutely livid and I felt that they were purposely picking on me for no reason. To make matters even worse the woman who was operating the food stand suddenly decided it was time for break so I wasn't even able to get any food. I stormed off bitterly and when I realized that I had gotten pretty far I noticed that I was walking along a very dark road. I had the sudden feeling that I was being followed so I turned around and I could see a car with it's headlights dimmed slowly driving towards me and as soon as they noticed me looking they turned the lights off completely yet continued forward. I didn't know what to do and I was very afraid that I would be kidnapped or killed. I tried to hurry up but I didn't seem to make any progress, I was just alone on that dark road with that creepy car following me. Luckily I woke up before my dream became worse but it didn't make the dream any less frightening.

I thought of this just now, but it really makes sense (at least to me). People who are not part of your family aren't forced to love you. Usually with family members, you love them but you've been told your entire life that you're SUPPOSED to love them. It's almost like you're just conditioned to love them. So then comes a long someone who isn't a part of your family and they love you for YOU, not because they've been told to love you. So does that mean that their love is stronger then your families love? Even if your family will do anything for you they're usually the first to kick you while you're down. I can't say that this theory of mine is true or not. I do love my family so much, but it sucks when you're not treated the way you feel you should be. Oh well, I'll be leaving Chicago soon anyway..

Chicago you're not what I expected

2011-01-23T21:57:00.002-06:00

It's funny how the people who are "supposed" to love you the most, like your family, are the ones quickest to treat you like shit or call out all of your flaws. I'm so sick of dealing with everyone's mood swings and drama. This is one of the reasons why I loved living in Florida. While everyone was fighting and causing trouble I was over a thousand miles away not worried about shit. I can not wait to leave here, absolutely can not wait! I'm so annoyed and hurt right now, I don't understand what it is about me that seems to cause everyone so much grief and anger, what have I done? How should I act since being myself is no longer enough. Counting down the days...

Living a dream

2011-01-10T19:39:00.010-06:00

What a great love I have! I've been so happy because it seems that all of my dreams are getting closer and closer to reality, where I can actually touch them, taste them, breathe them. It seems to have taken an entire lifetime to reach this point and can I say that I've never been happier? I know I'm not back in Florida yet, but I really feel like Alex is right here with me all the time. Lately he's been making suggestions, and I've literally melted each time he spoke those words. I'm sure me being a romantic is no surprise, but even I am new to this feeling. The other day Alex said to me "what do you think of the name Liliana?"

Of course I absolutely love it, how could I not? He knew how much I loved the name Lily, but he added his own twist, making it ours, for what would be ours. Dear reader, can you understand? This is my life! MINE! And can I tell you that seconds ago I felt as if I could run out into the blistering cold Chicago and yell to world to worry no longer because I have never been so happy! Then as if I hadn't had enough for one person he asked me today "what about for a boy?"

Do not laugh, because I could have seriously dropped dead right then. Who would have thought he was thinking such things. I have for a long time, but to hear those words come from his mouth, it makes everything else seem insignificant. Gas Prices? War? Racism? I never heard of such a thing! My mind has been taken over by joy and my heart by love.

Alex and I think the name Leonardo (meaning Lion Strength) would be fitting. Mainly because I want my babies to have a name that they can shorten if they want. I would call our son, Leo. If I was a boy, and my name was Leo, I definitely wouldn't be complaining. I try to take in consideration how the poor thing will feel once they've grown and they've heard their name a million times. Has it finally grown on them or would they doodle it on paper, to see how their signature would look on an autograph? I think girls would swoon over a name like Leo! He would be a heart throb and our daughter Liliana would be our delicate little flower for everyone to admire. I just feel so close to heaven right now, I'm almost there..My life doesn't seem real anymore, I feel like I'm living a dream

Until next time folks!

2011-01-05T12:03:00.007-06:00

I would love to treat this thing like a diary, but I honestly have to censor most of it because god forbid people actually knew what I was thinking. That's pretty much been my entire reality lately, I'm always having to pretend for everyone so people aren't hurt by what I say or do. I think my problem is I've just been very irritable lately because my situation hasn't been a favourabe one. I thought recently about this bottle of 4 year rum that Alex brought me from Florida, it's called Flor De Cana and I can't find it anywhere up here. I was lying in bed and it was to my left, screaming at me to take action. Now before you assume I'm some kind of alcoholic, it wasn't tempting me to take a sip..I was thinking about using it to set something on fire.
I don't usually get like this, at least not on a normal basis, but last night was one of those nights where I wasn't feeling like myself. I felt faint. I stood up because I felt the urge to rush out of the house at top speed and get away from my predicament but I staggered and almost fell because my head wouldn't stop spinning. I felt panicky like something terrible was about to happen and I had to leave, I grabbed my coat and gloves and left. When I arrived at my sisters house (to pick up a few pieces of mail) my hands and knees were shaking with anxiety. I wish I could fully explain my situation but that would be bad representation, I can't have certain people understanding or even guessing my intentions. Therefore my posts are as truthful as I allow them to be..not to say that I'm lying, just know that what I say here is just a subtle version of what is really going on. Hopefully soon I can be as open as I like, but for now just try to understand me.

Happy New Year!

2011-01-03T08:54:00.022-06:00

Happy New Year! I hope everyone enjoyed themselves in the end and the beginning of the year. I had a really great time and I have sooo much to tell! I honestly didn't expect to do too much for New Years mainly because of how cold it's been, but my sister texted me a few days prior that her and her husband were planning on going to Austin's Fuel Room in Libertyville. I originally told her that I wouldn't be joining her because I really haven't had the money to do much of anything, but then Alex came to the rescue and offered to pay for both of us. So Thursday night we decided we were going to wake up Friday morning, do a little shopping, eat some breakfast and head over to my sisters house so we could use her computer and buy the tickets. So we decided that Thursday night we were going to hang out at a sports pub because Alex thought he would be able to catch a football game only to realize that there weren't any on until Sunday. As we're driving on Arlington Heights Rd towards the downtown area we saw a cluster of Christmas lights like we've never seen Christmas lights before.

This pirate ship was my favorite because it reminded me of when I lived Tampa and because Alex and I are HUGE Buccaneer fans :)

This is my love Alex, he was acting as if he was going to fall into a crack in the ice. Although there really was a crack it wasn't on a lake it was just grass completely covered in ice.

I LOVED this one!

Another favorite, I love how you can see the reflection of the train on the ice.

Yay Santa!

They had this huge sled that you could sit in, so I had Alex take a picture of me wearing his Heat Jacket :)

Alex trying to act like a windmill, he's so silly! I love it!

After leaving this little park we drove downtown and tried to find a nice little spot to hang out, but ended up at Gatsby's a little farther away. I honestly really liked the place but Alex wasn't too crazy about it. It was pretty cool since it had a lot of Tv's and a pretty decent menu, even for a vegan, and the name of course was awesome since I happened to have just finished reading the book the Great Gatsby. What Alex didn't like was the fact that it was a bit tiny AND they were playing some really strange music. At some point they had on this song that sounded like some weirded chanting. It was so strange that Alex and I looked up at one another in confusion and just sat there trying to figure out what was going on. Lol It was a real bang! I ended up gettin the Salsa and Guacamole and it was really impressive for a sports pub. I'm a Salsa and Guacamole snob so for me to like it than that's a good sign. Alex went with the Great Gatsby burger (he's obviously not vegan) and he wasn't really impressed at all. In fact he was really disappointed by it. All in all we enjoyed ourselves, went home, and went to bed.

Friday morning we had some breakfast at La Presa and headed over to Heidi's house so we could buy tickets and get ready for our New Years Eve fun. Only problem is that we were a little late ordering them because the website said they were all sold out. I was sooo disappointed because I was really looking forward to a nice hotel stay and a shuttle taking us to and from Austin's. Luckily we were able to find another website that still had tickets available. Everything went as planned, we got our tickets, went to the hotel, had some dinner and then just watched some tv until it was time to get ready. The night was definitely a success, I literally drank wine the entire night and danced with Alex to some really great music. By midnight I was extremely tipsy, maybe even a little drunk, and I was able to kiss my love at midnight <3! I can't explain how happy I was to be with him! I was wearing this really sexy outfit of lace because the weather wasn't terrible like it usually is. It only got down to like 50 that night.

When we got home Alex and I were ready to pass out but we somehow managed to fit some hanky panky in! hehe ;) Either way, I had the best New Years of my entire life. I trully believe that this year will be filled with great opportunities for me. I know deep down that even though I've had a rough year in 2010, I learned so much that I feel like a completely different person, in a good way. I can't wait for some things to fall into place..I just can't!

2010 nonsense

2010-12-30T13:39:00.005-06:00

I'm at work right now, bored as hell because there is almost nothing to do here. I understand with the new year everyone is too busy planning their big night that they don't think about buying shit, not lights at least. Only a few hours to go and I'll be depositing my check and withdrawing rent money which doesn't exactly excite me or anything. I hate the beginning of the month, it's always time to pay bills and it can be a real downer when you only have yourself to depend on. But other than that I do plan to party it up a bit. Especially since Alex is here, otherwise I wouldn't really give a damn what I did, I just want Alex to have a good time so he doesn't think I'm some boring ass chick. We plan on going to this place called Austin's Fuel Room which is in Libertyville. I'm really looking forward to seeing what they end up doing for us since it's New Years and all. I don't think I've ever really gone out on New Years because I'm only 22 and last year I spent it at Alex's house. We just had a good time lighting fireworks and drinking while his family danced to some spanish music. I actually remember feeling bad because I was tired early and didn't want to stay up all night like Alex did. I kind of threw a fit about it. I was just whiny as hell because I had a parasite and I felt like it was eating me from the inside out, apparently it didn't appreciate me drinking alcohol. So I resentfully went to the room and sulked there until I started to fall asleep. I actually had quite a few nights like that. I think it's because I still have that child like mentality where I think that if I throw a tantrum I'll get my way somehow, it does work sometimes, but the times that it doesn't it just makes it that much worse. Usually because at that point you're feeling stubborn as hell and even though you want to just go back to having fun with the rest of them, you feel like you HAVE to stand your ground. It's fucking bullshit. Even when you do give in, most people are annoyed with you by then because you made your problem theirs and frustrated them with your whining.

I really want this year to be different. Maybe I'll take some of my good ol' happy pills. I love those things! I know it sounds horrible and Alex always HATED when I took them, but they really can be so much fun. Sometimes I'll even take more then you're supposed to and I swear to god it's like everything becomes funny all of a sudden. It gives you a nice break from stressing out all the time. Don't freak out yo, it's just natural herbs, it's not like those damn antibiotics doctors give you to make you even more sick so you can keep returning to them with new problems, it's the real deal. And while we're on the subject, it's none of your damn business what I take. People always think that I'm some kind of dumbass, like I'm going to do something stupid to kill myself. Pfft! No thanks!

The workday is FINALLY coming to a close and I'm really trying to pass the time here. The girls and I have been trying to sneak in some conversation whenever we get a chance but the CEO always has to walk out and interrupt our train of thought. He's always creeping around trying to keep an eye on things yet whenever he passes no one is really working they're just making it LOOK like they're working but they're just clicking the mouse waiting for him to pass so we can carry on with our social time. Ha! Anyway, I hope everyone has a wonderful New Years! I'm really excited about this year, I know it'll be a good one!

Who am I?

2010-12-28T10:06:00.003-06:00

Despite my greatest efforts, I still live in fear. It's really frustrating because I feel that my fears are crippling me. I'm not the same person I used to be, and I'm not really sure how to handle these new traits. Lately I've noticed that my actions have offended a lot of people, even when I try to do what's right. I think my problem is I can't trust anyone, even though they work to earn my trust, I still have trouble storing those memories. All I can see is past images, haunting me, until almost driving me insane. I want them to go away, so I can be myself again. Maybe I'm wrong, but sometimes I wonder if there is something out there that I could take to make me feel better, or at least lesson the burden. I never wanted to be that type, but I can't help but hope that I won't have to feel this way forever. For now I guess I'll do my best to work on improving myself, and hope that with time I'll be like brand new, no more scars or open wounds to scare people away from me. Especially the people that I love, I don't want to lose them, yet I wouldn't blame them for leaving me behind. Nobody wants a project or someone who's broken.

Can anyone hear me?! I'm having an epiphany!

2010-12-27T14:57:00.000-06:00

Just when I thought that I would have to kill myself to get what I want, I realized something amazing. A great opportunity just WAITING for me to take hold of. I'm so excited that I'm afraid if I spill the beans here that I'll jinx myself!

Happy!

2010-12-22T22:02:00.000-06:00

Oh my god, I'm the happiest girl in the entire world right now. I literally almost cried from being so happy. As you've heard me say, I'm very much in love with Alex, I consider him my soul mate or my twin flame. We've been separated for many months now and it's been extremely hard for both of us, at one point we even considered giving up, as much as we both knew it would hurt. But today has changed everything thanks to one of his close friends. It started when I was on Facebook making the rounds, stalking my friends lol. I received a message from Matt; he's been friends with Alex since high school and I got to know him briefly before I moved to Chicago. He's a very easy going, respectful guy. I like him. We were chatting casually, mentioning some frog picture I posted when the conversation steered towards relationships (as they always do amongst young people) and I began to express my longing for Alex. He told me that he recently asked Alex to be a roommate with him since his wife (high school sweetheart) has announced that she wants a divorce, and Alex declined because he mentioned moving up to Chicago to be with me. All that has changed since winter has started and I've finally established an opinion on this weather that I've been exposed to. Now it's the opposite, I desperately miss Florida's hot weather, even though I always complained about it.

Anyway, the reason I'm so happy is the fact that Alex actually considered moving up here to be with me. I honestly wasn't sure I believed him when he told me he would. I thought that he was saying that to please me, but now I know he really meant it. I don't know how many hours I spent agonizing at the thought, assuming he was just trying to make me feel better. Matt also mentioned that if I moved back down we could all be roommates. I know I can't know for sure but I think it would be a good thing for Alex and I both. Mainly because Matt is more calm and mature than most of his other friends. He doesn't really drink very much, which is something that Alex could really use right now.

Not to mention my dear friends, today is Dec. 22nd and Alex will be flying in on the 25th to see me. I'm so insanely happy that every where I go I see magic. Everyone around me is so likable these days that I literally just want to hug a random person. It's been a long time since I've felt this way..probably since Alex and I split. Since then I haven't been myself, I completely shut myself off from the world, not wanting to talk to my friends..feeling angry at everything that seemed to mock my misery. But lately I've felt a burning inside me, like a flame has sparked life in my worn out soul. I know this is true love because I can feel it, I can feel it in every ounce of my being!

Losing John

2010-12-21T12:13:00.000-06:00

No matter where I'm at in the world, or what I'm doing, I always think of my cousin John on this day. Even though it's so sad to think about and it makes me cry, I can never forget it. I remember the day it happened, my mother, my sister Eva and my little brother Anthony had just gotten home from a day spent at the mall, we had been Christmas shopping. We barely got into the house when the phone rang. I remember my mom answering it and walking towards the back of the house, probably to go to her garden, she loved it there. Then not even a minute later my mom rushes in and yells frantically, "your cousin John is dead."

After that I don't remember much. I just remember being extremely upset, crying all day and night. I was only 13 at the time and John was only 15. It didn't seem to fit into what I had imagined for the world I lived in. He shouldn't be dead until we were much older. I even remember the long drive to his funeral, everyone was so sad and didn't talk much. When we finally got there everyone was in tears, and my grandmother hugged me so tight saying that she doesn't want to lose her babies.
It broke my heart. I don't think I had ever experienced a sadder day than that. It was the day after Christmas, everyone should have been enjoying their gifts, John shouldn't have been dead. Even years later my family saddly anticipates this day and do whatever we can to honor his memory. Ever since his death I always tell my friends to be very careful when driving, it could mean someones life. John would have still been alive today had his friend took precautions. I know it doesn't make his death any easier but from what happened we all learned a great lesson. That life isn't guaranteed and shouldn't be taken for granted. Tell the ones you love that you love them, tell them every single chance you get. Never hold grudges because "the bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone."

Times 100 Best English Language Novels

2010-12-20T19:13:00.001-06:00

I've been trying to create a list of books that I plan on reading. I know it'll take some time but I was very intrigued by TIME's List of the 100 Best Novels. The first book I read from the list so far has been The Catcher in the Rye. The reason I was so interested in this book is because there was a lot of controversy surrounding it and I didn't really understand why or how? Even after reading it I was almost disappointed in what I found, because it seemed like a normal book to me. I actually enjoyed it very much, I even suggested it to my friends because I thought they would like it too.

I'm currently reading The Great Gatsby, but it wasn't so easy in the beginning. Mainly because the style was so different from the Catcher in the Rye. I honestly felt kind of bad because I thought that I would end up just putting it down and never finishing, but I FINALLY got to the point in the book where it's starting to make sense. I'm no longer reading the same sentences wondering when everything will sink in.

I checked out the list again, because I know that I'll be needing to go to the library soon to pick out the next book. I think I'm going to go with Lolita. I did a little research on it and from what I can tell it seems like a good book. I know it'll upset me though, because of it's content. It always makes me feel nervous hearing about stuff like that. Mainly because I know stuff like that actually happens, it's not just a story. If you want to see the list you can find it here:

http://www.time.com/time/specials/packages/completelist/0,29569,1951793,00.html

Tension and Suicide Prevention

2010-12-17T12:18:00.000-06:00

Just when I thought that today was going to be a fun day at work, because it's Friday, the CEO decides to be a complete ass and yell everybody for no apparent reason. It really puts a damper on the whole day you know? Now everyone is sitting at their desks feeling on edge, worried that the slightest mistep will land them in hot seat. So yeah I'm pretty much over it today. I'm ready to go home, pick up my shit, and head to my sisters house for some lighthearted family fun. If I'm lucky my DVD will be in the mail from Alex. He made a copy of Anjaana Anjaani for me. It's really a great movie, probably one of my favorites.

When I went to see it in the theatres I wasn't expecting much because it was a Bollywood film and the only advertisements I had seen had all been in Hindi. But I kept an open mind either way. It's a romantic comedy about two people who are both fed up with all the drama (as I am) and they decide to commit suicide by jumping off Manhatten bridge. They met unexpectingly and were unsuccessful when I coast guard caught them ready to jump. They go their seperate ways and attempt yet again but both fail, meanwhile landing them both in the hospital where they meet again. The story goes on with them making a pact to help each other end their lives but after failed attempts they decide to wait until New Years Eve (20 something days away) and do the things they've always wanted to do.

It's really a great story, but it made me cry and sometimes when I listen to the soundtrack I get very sad. There were many parts of the movie that I really felt were being written from my life story. I even went as far as saying that I was meant to see this movie, to help me heal. I feel like it did because it made me realize that there is always a chance to find something more.

I'm very excited that today is Friday..not so much for the weekend, but because NEXT weekend my love is coming to Chicago to see me. I've been waiting so long for this
day, it seems like forever since I've seen him. I don't even know how I'm going to drive with him in the car..I'll probably speed the whole way home. I plan on taking him to Lal Qila which is a Pakistani restaurant near my house. I know he'll love it there, until then I'm patiently waiting to finally be reunited with the love of my life.

Bookstore inspirations and renting aggravations

2010-12-15T23:13:00.000-06:00

It's funny how today I ended up at Barnes and Nobles for something other than books and realized how much I missed going to book stores to read. My dad used to take me there when I was younger, he would buy me a hot chocolate and would tell me to grab a book to relax and read with. Nowadays if I do grab anything to drink it's usually a Iced Chai Latte, but either way sipping on something tasty is always comforting while reading some interesting material. I think the only thing I don't like about going to these places is my temptation to buy every book that catches my eye. I swear I could end up with an entire library if my finances would allow it. Until then I guess I'll have to become a regular so I can relax and read the books for free.

There were quite a few books that tempted me today, one of them was actually a book that was suggested to me. I kind of stumbled upon it while looking for an Ayurveda health book, I wasn't able to find one but it did steer me in the right direction since the book I started to read seems like a real winner. It's called The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene. It's actually kind of messed up in a sense because it teaches you to manipulate people. I think what I like about it is it reveals to me the way people respond to certain actions and characteristics that you portray and pretty much anything involving human behavior intrigues me. My mom used to take my younger brother and I to the library and I used to be obsessed with psychology books. I was convinced that I would one day counsel people and would literally check out 5 or more books at a time on anything psychology. I'm not really sure why I never pursued it, probably because going to college is so expensive and because I developed so many other interests, but now that I really think about it maybe I should consider looking into that a bit. My only problem when it comes to dealing with people is that my opinions tend to be biased. I don't always see things from other peoples point of views, I tend to be stubborn when it comes to my beliefs. For example, I was watching Vampire Diaries with my roommate and I mentioned how I thought one of the actresses was really beautiful and he said that he didn't think so, that he thought her mom was more beautiful then her. I was so annoyed because I felt like what he said was completely outrageous, not only was this girl gorgeous but the mom was much much older (not like a cougar or anything) and kind of had a mans haircut, not to mention lots of wrinkles and was the antagonist out of the two. When I challenged him and received his explanation I took it upon myself to totally devalue his opinion and basically told him I didn't want to hear him talk anymore. Lol..I know, I was having a total bitch fit, but damn..sometimes I think people just do shit to annoy me.

Before I start a rampage, I'm really hoping that tomorrow I get to make my Thai Red Curry with veggies. I haven't been able to make it because some pipe burst and I haven't had any running water in 2 days now. Damn cold weather. The office said it should be fixed and ready to go tomorrow, we'll see. If not I'm going to be one angry tenant.

Cute cuddly kitties?

2010-12-15T12:12:00.000-06:00

So apparently there are some really sick people out in the world. I thought I understood this until last night when I came across a picture of what appeared to be toy kittens at a tea party. Of course I thought this was super adorable and cute so I posted it on facebook for all of my friends to see. Minutes later one of my Animal rights friends comments my post and reveals to me that this innocent post was not so innocent, it was actual STUFFED kittens!
Needless to say I was extremely upset about this. Not only is that just disgusting, but here I am, America's vegan sweetheart ;) and I'm posting pictures of stuffed baby kitties! I immediately took it down because I was so embarrassed and I felt so dumb for not noticing. The website it was on should have given it away but I honestly didn't pay attention. I merely copied the photos link and posted it up, no problem. Here's the culprit, I hope you all wont be too grossed out by this:

What did I learn from this you ask? Double check dumbass!

Forever a Floridian

2010-12-14T19:32:00.000-06:00

I know that this seem totally backwards but...I want to move back to Florida. I really regret feeling this way because I always thought that Chicago would be my home. Almost my entire family lives here and it felt good finally being close to them, but honestly I'm having trouble adapting to this cold weather. I know winter doesn't last forever but I'm a Floridian at heart. I'm so used to running around in flip flops and tank tops that all this bundling up is making me feel extremely claustrophobic. Snow is so beautiful coming down but when it settles and people start driving all over it, it gets black and gross looking, not at all storybook like someone would expect out of winter wonderland.

I miss the palm trees and the breeze coming off the beach at night and the smell of salt water. I miss the warm sun, but most of all I miss Alex. I never thought I would consider going back to him, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't willing to try it again. As many times as Alex and I been at each others throats, I know it wasn't out of malice, but out of love. Most of the time when he was mad at me was when he felt I wasn't taking care of myself or doing something that would cause me pain or heartache. Usually I was mad at him because I would become greedy and want him all to myself. I know I should allow him to spend time with his friends and family, and I would want the same courtesy, but I would take it personally when he would go off without me. Maybe I'm just naive that way, or maybe I'm just a young woman still acting like a girl.

I have to find a way to make this work, I'm really not sure how I'm going to do this. I have to find a way to make some extra money so I can start to save. I have to set up some kind of job down there. So many things have to be done, and a part of me feels guilty for leaving my family behind. I know they'll be upset, but I can't force myself to be here. Florida is my home

Treacherous snow and karmic debt

2010-12-12T08:05:00.001-06:00

Last night for the first time while driving, I feared I wouldn't make it home alive. My journey didn't start out this way, in fact, I thought that with a little hesitancy I would be able to overcome the slippery and snow covered roads. I was quite nervous nonetheless but I tried to reassure myself that people do this type a thing all the time..

Seeing the car in front of me start to slide and lose control, while another car laid in a ditch, didn't exactly give me high hopes about my safety. I thought about pulling over, but honestly I figured it would make no difference. Either way the street was still going to be covered with snow and I wasn't about to sleep in my car only to wake up to a blizzard hitting me at full force, so I continued on. Luckily the drive ended with no broken limbs or crushed auto body.

But what I realized or better yet remembered was that I'm not invincible. At any given time my life here can be ended, I could have been the one in the ditch last night. But then there is a part of me that is slowly accepting death, which is really a big step for me. For the longest time I feared what would become of me. Would I be murdered by some lunatic or jealous ex boyfriend, or would I be poisoned by societies lust and greed and kill myself over dreams left unfulfilled? Then I read this book called many lives many masters, it's a true story about a psychiatrist who uses hypnosis and ends up with past life therapy for his patient.
The thing I liked most about the book was that it made me realize that we are all here for a reason, which is to pay our karmic debt and learn lessons to take with us into the next life. It makes me feel that the bad things that have happened to me over the years, wasn't really in vain. Even though it caused me so much heart ache, it comforts me to think that I have learned my lesson and I won't have to feel the same pain all over again. It also makes me wonder what karmic debts my friends and family owe, I think about the pain they've gone through and how it could have related to something they've done long before they entered this life.

Honestly though, my mom really makes me sad. I fear that she will always suffer because she still hasn't learned her lessons. She still blames so many people, and holds many grudges against them. She's hateful and mean and tries to reason with people to hate like her. I know that most of my siblings only tolerate her because of the way she has chosen to live her life, but I really try to be a part and I try to show her that life doesn't have to be that way. I don't always succeed but I still try to plant the seeds hoping to spark some kind of response from her. It's funny because I know that if she heard me say that, it would be 180 in her demeanor and attitude. My mom absolutely loves to garden. Ever since I was a little girl I remember there being so many beautiful flowers and vegetables growing in my backyard. I used to feel so inspired by all the colors and smells. When my mom is in a good mood, you'll hear her talk about her garden; about all the new flowers she's expecting to bloom and how she nurtured them. It always made me feel good to hear her like that, it was definitely a nice change from all the bickering she does.

Anyway, I recently checked out some books from the library, so I'm going to get off her for now. Hopefully I'll be back later with some interesting fun facts to share.

Love, Peace and Hair Grease!

Dreams Of suicide

2010-11-20T13:05:00.001-06:00

Last night I had this strange dream about this girl I work with. She recently told me that when she was nine years old her brother committed suicide. So in this dream I discover a notebook and when I flip through the pages I noticed these very dark drawings. It was a drawing of a young girl and she was crying. I felt very sad suddenly and I was curious to see what else was in the notebook. The next page was another drawing, this time it was three people: the young girl, an older woman and a teenage boy. The girl and the older woman both looked very sad but the boy looked happy. There really wasn't much else in my dream, but when I woke up this morning I couldn't get that image of the little girl out of my head. I knew it must have been sarah, but it's strange to see her so vulnerable. Usually at work she's very sassy and seems sure of herself. I know it must be a defense mechanism, and i think that's what makes me feel so sorry for her. I mean if my brother killed himself I would be sad as hell and I wouldn't want people to see how depressed I was. Sometimes when I learn of others dark secrets I'm tempted to tell them I understand. I have a few of my own and there are very few people who I've actually told. Mainly because i would hate for people to think I was telling them so they would feel sorry for me. Other then that, I'm not too damaged anymore. Time really does help you heal..i wonder how much sarah has healed since then.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.2

Zombies?

2010-11-10T00:11:00.001-06:00

I watched this show the walking dead, it made me wonder what it would be like if zombies really did exist. I think they would frighten me more than a vampire, because at least with a vampire they're just sucking your blood, but zombies tear you apart. Kind of disgusting and messy if you ask me.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.2

Burning bridges

2010-11-06T11:49:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I get in these moods where I start noticing all these bridges and where the lead. Sometimes I smile thinking about the possibilities, other times I want to burn them down and never look back. Today is one of those days. You know the kind that you just don't feel like talking to anyone? I'm not sure what caused me to feel like this so suddenly, but it seems to be happening to me over and over again. A never ending cycle. Maybe I'm sick of feeling inadequate and not being able to trust people.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.2

Autumn is coming..

2010-09-18T09:13:00.000-05:00

It's been a long time since I took the time to update this blog. It's kind of sad how it just sat here, abandoned and lonely with no one to care. But I'm back and hopefully this time my absences wont be for so long. A LOT has happened since I last blogged, and honestly I can't put it all into words because frankly it would take too long. So I'm going to show a list of all my achievements recently.

1. I finally bought a car-YAY!! I also found out I have amazing credit..sounds good to me!

2. I was hired by 3 places-1 I decided wasn't for me, another decided I wasn't for them and the other LOVED me..in more ways then I'd like

3. I chopped my hair off. I used to have hair that went down to my bra strap, now it sits on my shoulders.

4. My sister was married and I stood up in her wedding as maid of honor.

5. I found some amazing restaurants that serve all the foods I love.

6. I finally found a way to learn how to make indian food-work at an indian restaurant..duh!

7. I turned 22

8. I ended up in the emergency room because of a bad ear infection.

9. I fell in love with some bollywood movies.

10. I realized that work is always going to be hard for me because of my appearance. Basically people think I'm a snob when I'm really not.

11. I finally tried the Chicago Diner (Famous vegan restaurant) YAY!

12. I found out that vegetable oil works wonders in your hair!

13. Went downtown to Chicago and partied like it was 1999

14. Went Tubing for the 4th of July

So there you have it..it seemed like much more has happened, but I'm drawing a blank right now. Basically you guys have been missing out on all the scandalous details. I've been having a lot of fun with my family and I've also experienced more heartbreak than I ever thought possible. But this is my chance to turn over a new leaf and start over. The leaves on the trees are changing and so am I.

I don't want tears of sadness, only tears of joy

2010-05-20T17:14:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking a lot lately. Not only have I been moping around, feeling sorry for myself, practically dead in this very alive world, I started to feel as if life has given up on me. But its funny how all those tears I so easily shed can clear my clouded vision and help me see that this is just part of the journey that'll lead me to unconditional love and happiness. You would think I knew this already, but sometimes when life takes a hold of you, you tend to forget the things that kept your head on straight before. I was always a positive person, striving to believe that everyday had something to offer and I shouldn't let it go to waste. But then again, I was madly in love and nothing seemed to be in way of having everything I dreamed of. A family, a loving husband, maybe even a ferret or two, but that all changed so suddenly I felt like I didn't know who I was anymore. Where am I going in life? Why did life lead me here? Why can't I just have what I want? My sense of self was completely shattered, so I packed up my belongings and said goodbye to all my hopes and dreams. I told myself that it was no use pretending that I deserved these things. Days turned into nights and with each passing hour I began to realize something. I still feel that I deserve my happiness, but in the process of trying to take hold of all the things I thought would make me happy, I forgot to appreciate the little things. I always thought I could only be happy with this person by my side, and I must admit, it has been hard sleeping at night not feeling his body up against mine, but I know that it will get easier with time. It's only a matter of noticing the things I was too blinded by admiration to see before.

I don't want to be angry anymore, I don't want to feel betrayal. I just want to feel love again. I want to reprogram my mind to think more positively and concentrate on the things that make me happy. So to start I wanted to share a few pictures of my family:

That's me with all my sisters. I'm the one wearing the white dress with all the flowers, it case you didn't know. This was my sister Eva's {yellow dress} Bridal Shower. It was a lovely day.

Here are just some of the people that were there, it was such a great day seeing my sister so happy. She got so many great presents from so many people that cared about her and loved her.

It made me feel good to know that like her, I had a support team. I have people in my life who will always be there for me and who will help me up when I have fallen to my lowest point. Now that I have reinforced this message within myself, I know that I can make it through anything, even heartbreak.

Change of plans

2010-05-09T21:43:00.000-05:00

Hey Everyone,
I've been doing some thinking, and I've come to realize that my initial plan for this blog has been refined. What I love about blogs, is that you can say pretty much whatever you feel like saying, and that's your right, it's called the "Freedom of Speech." I originally created this blog to be all about being a vegan and different foods that I enjoy + the recipes. Now before you jump to any conclusions, I want you to know that I still plan on posting vegan related material, but I don't want you to feel cheated when you see something totally random. I, myself am a random person. I sometimes wonder if I have ADD, but then I realized my mind is just working too fast for other people to keep up lol! So to sum it all up, expect the unexpected!

Vegans must be so limited..

2010-05-03T21:29:00.001-05:00

All you vegans have been there..'what do vegans eat if you can't eat meat or cheese or eggs..does fish count?'
I've told so many people that being vegan is NOT hard! I'm a lover of foods and if vegan food was so horrible, then I of all people would not have done it. But considering the circumstances, it's obvious it's not. In fact, since I've been so lazy in the kitchen lately, I've been bringing my camera every where so you could get an idea on what is out there. Trust me, this wont be painful!

Any well informed vegan knows that Daiya vegan cheese is the shit! Yeah I said it! Screw all the other brands that I've tried with their inability to do what they say!
If you have no idea what I'm talking about, maybe you should look it up because you're missing out!

Before only recently, this stuff was super hard to find. In fact I was getting mine on the internet and paying butt loads of money to have it shipped to me. People thought I was crazy...until they tried it. Well just when I thought my life couldn't get any better, I heard amazing news: "Daiya Vegan cheese is now being sold at all Whole Foods Markets."

"..Wait, did I hear that right?...You mean..I can buy it from the STORE?!?! NO WAY!!!" *Insert victory dance here*

So just the other night I decided to do something genius..I went to a local pizzeria and I brought my own cheese..here are the results:

Not only does it look amazing, it tasted 10x better. Even my waitress who was clearly a meat eater, stared at my pizza in awe..she obviously could not believe that such an achievement could be obtained using anything less then juice squirted out of a cows tit. But hey, that's where I come in to teach the world that vegans are not freaks who sit around eating nothing but grass and tofu. BOO!

Another example, was my little trip to a Cuban cafe down the street from my house. As you all know..or at least I think you know..I happen to live in South Florida. I'm sure you have all seen one of my favorite shows: Dexter. If you haven't, then as soon as you're done reading this post, you absolutely must sign in to your netflix account and check it out. Anyway, Dexter takes place in Miami, Florida so you see a lot of Cuban food references, Miami is known for that and I don't live too far north. I took a few pictures of the food I ordered and I don't even have to bother telling you it was delicious, because a picture speaks a thousand words (which is way more then I am willing to type)

And to add insult to injury, I'm talking about all you meat eaters out there who are blinded by what society tells you, it doesn't stop there.
I made some spaghetti a few nights ago and it just came out perfect. I was so happy with the outcome.

I used those Tofurky sausages:

Those things work pretty good. I was very impressed with how it turned out.

and last but not least!!!

My friend Sunny made me a fruit salad:

Dude you know it looks good! Now go get yourself some vegan food and stop asking me mundane questions! Haha

I keep forgetting...

2010-04-26T21:54:00.001-05:00

Ok before I forget for the rest of my life, I have a crap load of pictures that I've been meaning to upload. I've been testing different recipes from all these vegan cookbooks and although I haven't taken pictures of all the food (most of the time I just completely forget or I'm way to hungry to wait) I do have some that I had a chance to capture.

That was this awesome sandwich I made from the cookbook:

It was freaking Delicious! I couldn't believe how great it was, not to mention Alex actually didn't mind the fact that it was practically smothered in Zucchini, which he hates by the way.

Then I had made some General Tao Tofu from the vegweb website (vegweb.com)
It came out really good, I even had meat eaters begging me to make it again..all I could think was mmmhhhmmm! ;)

Here's some alfredo I made with these cute little wagon wheel noodles I found. It was a lot of fun eating this. Not to mention TASTY!

This was also from that VeganYUMYUM book.

If you love cupcakes you have to check out this cookbook:

When I bought this cookbook, I knew I was in trouble. I mean seriously, who doesn't LOVE cupcakes? I don't even wanna know because it would upset me if there was actually people like that out there. So I made the simple yet delicious vanilla cupcakes with buttercream frosting-all Vegan mind you, and here's what it look liked:

I can't wait to make these again!

Then of course there's my absolutely irresistible Spinach Lasagna that I made. No recipe necessary, I just followed the basic rules of stacking. Came out amazing.

Now that I've given you some food porn to look at, I'm going to go to bed. For real this time. PEACE!

Broken Dreams

2010-04-26T20:27:00.001-05:00

How many of you have had such insanely crazy dreams, you couldn't help but wonder "what the hell?!" Lets just say that last night was one of those nights. Not only was my dream extremely morbid, and eerie but it was also sort of futuristic.

It started off I was with my adorable nine year old niece Megan, and I was driving her to the beach. But when we got there, I climbed into the backseat and did something I never thought I could even dream about. I pulled out a knife and cut her into pieces from head to toe. Gross and absolutely cruel, I know. But I promise I would never do anything like this in real life. I love my family and could never hurt them. Once I finished, I walked with her remains and tossed them into the ocean. Suddenly I was in a house, and I remember there was a closed door. The atmosphere was very tense, and I remember feeling worried or anxious to get inside that door to see what was going on. Finally after was seemed like an eternity, a Dr. walked out and told me my niece Megan was put back together again and I could go see her if I wanted to. She was dressed in a hospital gown, and she looked perfectly normal, except wherever I cut her happened to be pinkish..almost like stretch marks. She seemed ok, but I could tell she was in a bit of pain. I could hear the Dr's talking about how they used a skin "glue" and it helped seal her back up to normal again. Supposedly it had all been for an experiment. They were trying to catch a killer and they needed to see for themselves how his methods worked. Although I heard a lot of talk about a gun being involved.

Needless to say when I woke up at 4 something in the morning, I was a bit frightened by all the images still in my head, but at the same time I was really curious as to what it could all mean. How could my mind come up with so many horrible thoughts, especially about my own flesh and blood? I tried hard to fall back to sleep, and as much as I wanted to forget those images forever, I hoped I would remember the dream so I could look up its meaning.

Here's what I came up with, thanks to www.dreammoods.com

Knife
To dream that you are carrying a knife, signifies anger, aggression and/or separation. There may be something in your life that you need to cut out and get rid of. Alternatively, the knife may be symbolic of something divisive in your life. You may be attempting to cut ties or sever some relationship.

Ocean
To see an ocean in your dream, represents the state of your emotions and feelings. It is indicative of some spiritual refreshment, tranquility and renewal

Cutting
To dream that you are cutting something, signifies a broken relationship or severed connection.� Alternatively, the dream may be a metaphor for something you need to "cut out" in your life. Perhaps it refers to some bad habit or a certain food.

Surgery
To dream that you or someone else is undergoing surgery, signifies the opening of the Self and/or the need for emotional healing. You need to "cut out" or eliminate something from your life. Alternatively, you are feeling the influence of some authority figure

As you can see, everything seems to lead to one explanation. The break up between Alex and I. I've been really struggling lately, with whether or not I should stay, or if I should move to Chicago like I have been planning. I kept weighing in my head all the reasons I should stay, and I have to admit I almost convinced myself. But deep down I know I can't. As much as I love Alex, I can't keep trusting him not to hurt me. So to break it all down, I killed my poor innocent niece to find out the truth. Why are dreams so cruel sometimes? Why couldn't I have dreamed that I was on the flight to Chicago and I had some epiphany that made me realize I was making the right decision? Just plain weird and I feel like a psycho. I really hope tonight I have some sweet dreams. I'm going to really concentrate on positive thoughts and ideas while I lay in bed, instead of thinking about my problems for once. Well anyway, that's all for tonight. I'm sure you guys are more then happy to see an ending to this post, especially considering it's horrible content. Well goodnight, and sweet dreams!

Haunted

2010-04-23T19:20:00.000-05:00

I really hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, and when I get back into bed I can’t seem to fall back asleep. It was around 4:25am when I woke up, and even though I was awake I started dreaming that Alex and I were having a conversation. He was mentioning how the computer was left on all night and I told him it wasn’t even on, and that he had left the tv on. Once I was more awake I realized that Alex was sound asleep, laying on his side facing the wall. It really confused me for a moment, because usually I can tell when I’ve been dreaming, but I could have swore we had this conversation, when I looked over at the TV and the computer they were both turned off. After I had gone to the bathroom, I crawled back into bed and had a sickening feeling. I don’t know what it was but I suddenly felt overwhelmed by something. I tried my best to get comfortable, but a part of me wouldn’t let my body rest. I kept thinking and wondering what was going to happen to me, where was I going to end up? Everything has seemed to be failing me lately, and honestly I feel so tired from it. Who knows how long it took me to fall back asleep, all I know is that I woke up again this morning feeling exhausted.

The day has gone ok so far, I’ve just been kind of stressed about the whole “breaking up” between Alex and me. I honestly always thought that Alex was the one; I mean we seemed to fit so perfectly together. Anytime someone saw us together we were always laughing and flirting with one another, and they would ask us how we could stand being together all the time. To us it was a no brainer, we loved each other. He accepted me for who I was, and even though he wasn’t a vegan, he was always so open to it, and always defended me whenever someone tried to force their beliefs on me. But now we’re splitting up and I feel so lost and heart broken. I decided to make the split easier, I’d move to Chicago and forget about everything, but it really hasn’t been easy at all. The more I think about it, the more my heart starts to race and my eyes start tearing up. I don’t know if I’m making the right decision, and it really scares me. What if he is the one and I ruin everything?

For lunch I ate this sandwich from this stupid Coffee place next to my job. I swear I don’t know why I waste my money there. Not only are they over priced but they ALWAYS jip me on toppings. It’s called Portobello mushroom and when I first started to get it, it was REALLY good. It came with Portobello, tomato, carrots, onions and peppers, avocado, lettuce and some balsamic vinaigrette. I used to love this thing, I didn’t even care that it cost 8 freaking dollars and it only came with a pickle on the side. But lately I’ve noticed that they always go so light on all the stuff it’s supposed to come with. I usually refrain from ordering there but I figured I’d give it another chance, and plus I’ve been kind of burnt out on the pad woonsen I usually get from the little Thai place. Bad idea. Now I feel kind of sick to my stomach and I don’t know whether it was the lack of taste from this horribly made sandwich or the fact that I’ve been stressed to tears lately.

I just need a sign, something that will help me figure out what I need to do next. I don’t feel I can make this decision on my own without wondering forever and ever if it was the right thing to do.

No pain, no gain

2010-04-22T13:26:00.000-05:00

My life has been pretty confusing lately. Not only is my love life on the brink of extinction, but I'm feeling unsure of where to go next. I always thought love was the answer, and I have forgiven many people for hurting me because to me it always seemed that they did those things because their lives didn't make sense to them. So in order to bring some clarity to their lives, they used someone they loved to control and manipulate to help them feel better about themselves. I've always tried to be the better person and look past flaws and misunderstandings. But sometimes I get tired. I get tired of trying to be that better person, when it seems I could take the easy way out.

I'm a very romantic person, and when I'm in love, I fall deep. I don't just care about that person, I absolutely adore them. I treat them like a special guest, catering to all their needs, hoping that I don't disappoint them or leave them unsatisfied. Every now and then I stop myself and ask why? Why do I do these things? Why am I not on the receiving end for once?

So today I went to work and I was feeling a bit ill. I tried to ignore how I felt, but the longer I stalled the more uncomfortable I became. Sooner then later I let my manager know I needed to go home. I didn't care that I had barely done any of the work, I just picked up and left. Once I got home, I nurtured myself back to a better standing, and I decided it was a great day to get that recipe. So around lunch time I drove over to Punjab. I figured since I was alone this time, the waiters wouldn't feel bad about sticking around, which would give me the opportunity to ask them for their recipe. As I sit down, I start searching for the main waiter that usually helps me out when I'm there. Once I spot him and I see him walk over, I must admit I was kind of nervous. I don't know why but I always feel bad when asking for favors. I think it's my pride that gets in the way. Being a Leo definitely has it's downfalls, pride is one of them. I swear that is the main thing in my life that prevents me from doing the things I know should.

So he gives me some water, I smile and share pleasantries but of course he walks away before I could get the nerve to ask. When he gets back I tell him I need to ask him something, so he says 'ok sure.' Lol and like a complete weirdo I tell him to come closer..haha! I told him that I plan to move and that I really would love to learn how to make this delicious curry. He tells me that he could possibly have the chef TEACH me how to make it at home. WOW! Needless to say, I was beyond words. I couldn't believe he was willing to do that for me. A simple written down recipe would have done it for me, but to actually SHOW me how to make it, oh my god! I was in heaven, I felt so grateful. He gave me the chef's number and the chef is going to come by next Sunday. I can't believe I'm being treated with such regard, it put me in an amazing mood and it made me realize why I love food so much. Because it brings people together, it makes shit happen!

Identity Crisis

2010-04-21T19:51:00.000-05:00

Ok so I went overboard. Alex and I made a little road trip down to Coral Springs, and I couldn't pass up the opportunity to visit my favorite all vegetarian Indian restaurant "Woodlands." I know I've been obsessed with Indian food lately, I just can't help it. I guess you could say I go through phases, one month all I could think about was gallo pinto, plantains with fried yuca and fresh squeezed orange juice. The next I'm making spaghetti every other night. It's just not healthy. lol It's like when you hear a brand new song, and you can't help but listen to it over and over again..only that's how I am with food. Or could have something to do with the moon, I'll have to check that out. Anyway, I ordered this appetizer platter which cost me only $8.50.

I'm telling you this place is ridiculous when it comes to cheap prices! That's one of the things I love most about this place. Plus it's vegetarian which makes me feel right at home. I love how so many Indians are vegetarians. I think I'm going to start pretending I'm Indian. I mean if I move to a place where no one knows me, I could just pretend to be native, I'll even buy a crap load of sarees. But then again that would meaning changing the name of this blog..which now that I think about it, will just be WAY too much work for a lazy mexican. haha

Anyway, I promise my next entry will not be about Indian food, unless of course I can convince my favorite Indian restaurant to give me their killer recipe for the mixed vegetable curry. SHHH! Don't tell anyone it's a secret.

Curry in a hurry

2010-04-15T18:02:00.001-05:00

Hey everyone,
So I finally convinced Alex to get some curry with me. It's not that Alex doesn't like curry, it's just that he's not as crazy for it as I am. I could eat curry everyday and not be fazed, whereas Alex would probably find himself a new girlfriend. We can't let that happen people, because I'm convinced that Alex is the one that I want to spend my life eating curry with. So enough with the mystery, I want you all to see why I'm absolutely nuts for this stuff.

I mean come one! Who could resist such a sight?!? I know I can't..I told Alex that once we got home, I needed him to get the camera while I set up the table and he just started laughing, stating that there was no way I'd be able to wait to eat. Which is true, this is why I took one picture and decided right away it was enough. So I pretty much ate this whole plate plus another. Indian food is the one food that will end up making me fat because full or not, I'm finishing my damn food!

Run to the border

2010-04-14T22:20:00.000-05:00

So I did it! My first night back out, and I feel better already. I really don't understand why I get so lazy sometimes, I mean I know working out is so much better for you then sitting at home with the love of my life watching hilarious tv. Wait..I can't get started on that or else I'll never run another day of my life!

As far as cooking is concerned, I haven't really felt motivated. Mainly because I share a kitchen, and I'm serious when I say that one kitchen should equal one chef. Two people in the kitchen at the same time equals chaos, and it has seriously kept me from being adventurous. One thing I must say is that I cooked up some beans and rice, and although it only took ten minutes once the rice was ready it was surprisingly very good. Even my babe who usually gives me that doey eyed look when it seems I've cheated him in the eating department, practically scarfed it down without a second to take a breath.

All I did was chop up a little bit of yellow onion and sauteed it in a pan with sofrito until they were translucent. Then I added a can of black beans and a can of red beans, some cumin, paprika, cayenne pepper and salt n pepper. I let it come to a boil and then let it simmer for 10 mins. I also added some lime because it just seemed to be the right thing to do. Once it was done I ended up draining most of the liquid because it seemed too soupy and I didn't have the luxury to let it simmer for long so it could thicken up. Then I just added some brown rice and heated up some corn tortillas. DONE. So simple, and yet here I was wallowing in my own self pity because I didn't get to eat curry for another night. lol Either way I was still happy, and it was super cheap! I really can't be spending too much money for the next few months, after all I have a wedding to attend in one of my favorite places in the world..um duh..CHICAGO!

My lovely sister Eva is tying the knot and I'm uberexcited to watch her walk down the aisle! I'm so happy to see her so in love with such a great guy! Weddings are always nice, it's so sweet to see two people so in love that they want to spend their lives together. I know many people are cynical on the whole matter, and I admit I was too after a bad break up, but I see now that it's a union between two people, it's a way to celebrate your love with the people you love most in your life.

Anyway, before I get carried away, the point is I can't miss my sisters wedding. I need to save my money so I can comfortably afford a plane ticket and also a nice gift for my sis and her new husband. sigh..

Man that run really wore me out, I think it's time for me to hit the sack. Goodnight everyone, sweet dreams.

Daydreams and nightmares

2010-04-14T17:02:00.000-05:00

Tonight’s the night, and it’s going to happen again and again. Despite my recent frailty, I know that I’m ready for this. I need it. I remember the feeling, which hasn’t been felt since what seems a life time ago. I can feel the hard pavement pounding beneath my feet, shaking my body, while I press harder to become one with the night. Even when I feel I must stop, I must go on. I can’t let my weaknesses control me any longer. It’s funny how sickness can open your eyes and jolt you back into reality. This is my body, and I have to take care of it, or it’s not going to take care of me.

So anyway, I’m just at work bored as hell, trying to get through all my calls. Easy as cake. It’s nice when the boss is away for 2 weeks doing whatever it is that he’s doing. I don’t have to worry about him breathing down my neck, or having to worry about faking a smile when I’m told I’ll have more work to do. With minutes to go till lunch, all I’m thinking about is that delicious papa john's vegan pineapple/jalapeno pizza(no cheese) just waiting to be slipped into the toaster oven. It’s enough to make anyone’s mouth water. Now that my appetite is finally back, I keep thinking about all the foods I’ve missed out on while I had my head wrapped in a wet towel, trying desperately to get my fever to simmer down. Mmm especially curry. There’s something special about curry that makes me imagine myself wearing a sari, sitting in a room filled with incense and chanting. I swear I must have been Indian in a past life.

By the way, I tried to find a cheeseless pizza with pineapple and jalapenos, but apparently I'm a rare breed...anyhow..

Later,

So it’s finally time for lunch, I call my babe so he could sign out, and on our way to the lunch room, one of the ladies I work with asks if she can see me for 10 minutes. So I said 'no I’m on lunch, I’ll see you after I’m done.' Then this other lady is telling me we had a meeting, even though no one ever told me shit about it, so I had to sign back in, and the meeting ended up lasting 30 minutes. Needless to say, I was extremely annoyed. Nobody, I mean NOBODY, messes with me and my food. The fact that they had the nerve to stop me on my way to the lunch room, and also considering the matter they were addressing (they were saying how everyone needs to communicate, to make sure we know what’s going on-like wtf? You didn’t even tell me we were having a meeting, so last minute you interrupt me during lunch so you can tell me that we need to communicate?! Are you freaking kidding me?! Why do I work for idiots??) I’m just annoyed.

Runner's High

2010-04-12T22:19:00.000-05:00

Lets face it.
I've been a lazy vegan. Not only have I neglected this blog, neglected my vegan cookbooks, I've also neglected my body. But now that I've finished showering, and I've seen my body in all its glory, it made me realize I need to start running again. I need to stop messing around and making excuses. Although, this past winter has been freaking FREEZING and there was no way in hell I was stepping foot outside when I can see my breath. So....I've made a deadline and I'm sticking to it. I want to be back where I was when I was at my prime. Running 5k's. I actually miss it. I miss the runner's high. I really really do. I'm not at all in bad shape, just not in great shape. I want to be able to sprint at top speeds like a gazelle. So by the end of May I will be running 5k's again. I'm so happy to have a goal for myself, I can't believe I haven't done this sooner.

Absence...

2010-04-08T22:04:00.000-05:00

To all my readers out there, I know it's been a REALLY long time since I've posted anything, so I just want to say I'm sorry. First I didn't have internet access for a while, then I was taking classes for Natural Health and Healing and it took up a lot of my time. I promise to be a better blogger! I'm going to brain storm some really great recipes and I'll start taking pics of all my adventures. Anyways, I know you've heard this excuse before, but I'm tired and my head hurts. lol Honest. I've been really sick and I'm still trying to make a comeback. Wish me luck. Time to sip some more Theraflu.
Goodnight!

Life isn't always fair, except today

2010-01-25T18:03:00.000-06:00

Ask just anyone if they love the fair and they'll more then likely say yes. It's not just the rides, but think about all the cool exhibits and the crazy shows you get to see. Not to mention the airbrushed clothing, humongous stuffed animals, or the old time photos. Speaking of which, my lover and I almost got one, but I was wearing spandex pants so I wouldn't have been able to show off my calves like those saloon girls used to do. BUT, Alex and I were made into a caricature. Check it out:

Not only do we love the fact that the artist made us into sex symbols, but also he captured the true essence that is Alex and I. You see, whenever people take pictures of us, they always seem to catch us looking at one another. It's pretty hilarious, but also romantic, because it shows that we really love one another, and that we are connected on a spiritual level.
I know it's kinda hard to tell, but I'm the girl in the blonde wig..it was halloween and I couldn't wear my real halloween costume to work because it would be considered inappropriate, so I just wore my blond wig and my maneater shirt and called myself maneater barbie haha! Alex is the vampire and as you can see, everyone else is looking at the camera..except us. lol
Anyway, I didn't have time(or better yet access to the computer) to post some of the food I made on Sunday so here it goes..

I had some left over soyrizo so I decided to make something my mom used to make back in my meat eating days. In case you are wondering what soyrizo is, here's a picture:That stuff tastes so close to the real thing, you could fool George Lopez I bet!

My mom used to cut up potatoes and fry them up a bit, and once they were cooked through just enough she would add the the chorizo, so thats when I added the SOYrizo.I didn't even bother to skin the 2 Russet potatoes I used. I just sliced and diced them and threw them into the pan with just enough water to cover them. I let it come to a boil then I dumped the water and added some oil to coat them so they could start browning a little. Only reason I used the water was because I wanted to cut the frying time down a bit. I just figured it was better that way..but who knows. Then once I felt that the spuds were the way I wanted them I added the soyrizo, salt & pepper and some more oil to make sure it didn't stick. You don't want it to be too hot, medium to medium high should be fine. Once the potatoes and the soyrizo seem to be done then their done. Remember we're not using real meat so you don't really have to worry about killing salmonella or whatever else resides in the flesh of a dead animal, you just want it heated through.
But that wasn't all I made, I also made mole, salsa, guacamole, and refried beans. Many of you have heard of mole, but I'm guessing some of you are shaking your heads. Mole (pronounced MOE LAY) is a thick sauce made out of a crap load of ingredients, usually a mixture of ancho chilies, chocolate, sesame seeds and what ever else they can throw in, so its rarely ever made from scratch, instead its bought premade and then prepared before the meal. This is what it looks like:As you can see from the label Mole is usually served over chicken breasts, but I never had it this way, my mom always used it as a enchilada sauce. But you can't just serve it straight out of the can you have to prepare it according to the directions AND the way my grandma used to do it. Like adding peanut butter and tomato sauce. It sounds weird but it tastes so amazing. SO, according to the directions you have to add 4 parts water or broth to 1 part mole. I used broth because I like the flavor. But first I sauteed some diced onions and garlic to give it even more delicious perks. Once those babies are good and ready, I added the mole and the broth. Maybe Dona Maria would have felt that it was enough, but not in my family. I added a whopping two tbsp creamy peanut butter, a tiny can of tomato sauce, and about a tsp of agave nectar, maybe more since I eyeballed it, you just want it to be a little sweet. Usually most people would add sugar, but I always feel guilty when I add sugar to my food. It makes me feel like a sugar addict or that my teeth are gonna rot out. If you don't add something sweet its going to taste a little bitter..which I'm not to fond of. You gotta balance it out for it to be right.
Here's what it looked like after adding everything:And this is what it looked like after simmering for a while:
You want it to be kinda thick..and make sure you break up the mole good because its extremely dry coming out of the can and you want it to "melt" into the sauce. Now in my family, which is half mexican, you don't just buy salsa at the store, because the stuff you buy will never match up to the good ol' homemade salsa. Plus it's so easy to make it's almost criminal to buy the store bought stuff. In fact, if I were to show up at a family party and I brought canned salsa, my family would probably send me back to the store to pick up the ingredients to make the good stuff.
It's a pretty easy recipe, all you need is:

3 jalapenos; chopped
1 medium onion; chopped
2-3 cloves garlic; chopped
a bunch cilantro; chopped
2 cans diced tomatoes(with liquid)
1 can tomato sauce
salt n pepper

Heat a pan on medium heat, and saute all the chopped veggies EXCEPT cilantro. I usually add a little bit of water so they don't stick. once the onions are looking cooked through add the canned tomatoes and salt and pepper to taste. once it comes to a boil, lower the heat and simmer for 5-8 minutes. Turn off the heat and add cilantro. That's it! And just look how delicious it looks:
This picture above is actually a picture I took a while back, but this time I threw everything in the blender once it was done so it could be a little smoother..or a lot smoother for that matter:It was still really good. I also made guacamole which was just hass avocados, chopped green onion, cilantro, lime, salt & pepper and a couple of spoonfuls of my prepared salsa because it makes it spicy which I LOVE!
Here's a picture before I mashed it all up:

Then after:

I can eat this stuff by the pound, and here's why..for 1. umm, delicious. 2. Healthy. Creamy rich avocado is considered the world's healthiest fruit, because of its nutrient contents such as vitamin K, dietary fiber, potassium, folic acid, vitamin B6, vitamin C, copper, and reasonable calories in it. The stuff is practically an elixir of life!

Lastly I made some refried beans which is really easy. You just add a couple cans of pinto beans(with the juice) to a pan and add the following:
Chili Powder
Oregano
Cumin
Paprika
Salt & pepper to taste.

Now the order I put those ingredients in is based on how much you're going to use. Just make sure you add more chili powder then oregano, more oregano then cumin..etc..Feel free to test those babies..once they taste the way you like then that's good enough.
Once the beans come to a boil, simmer for 10-15 minutes. The beans will be nice and soft for mashing.

Here is everything all together..it was soo yummy!

I know I'm a dork for making a smiley face, I just love happy food. I know the Mole kinda looks like poo, but once you taste it you'll know better! I couldn't wait to take another picture without first taking a bite, but in this next picture is a heated corn tortilla with the soyrizo mixture and the mole. It was really good, and even better when I added the salsa I made.

So anyway, I really hope you get a chance to try it, trust me you wont regret it! Well that's all for tonight folks. Until next time! Peace.

The Starfish Story

2010-01-25T10:25:00.000-06:00

Original Story by: Loren Eisley

One day a man was walking along the beach when he noticed a boy picking something up and gently throwing it into the ocean.
Approaching the boy, he asked, “What are you doing?”
The youth replied, “Throwing starfish back into the ocean. The surf is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them back, they’ll die.”
“Son,” the man said, “don’t you realize there are miles and miles of beach and hundreds of starfish? You can’t make a difference!”
After listening politely, the boy bent down, picked up another starfish, and threw it back into the surf. Then, smiling at the man, he said…”I made a difference for that one.”

I believe I was either 18 0r 19 years old when I first heard this short story. I was not yet a vegan, but it did inspire me in many ways. I've always been a very compassionate person, whether it was with humans or animals. I couldn't stand to see someone or something suffer, I always wanted to help or find a way to make it stop. This story goes to show, that even though you may feel that by making a change in your life it wont make a difference in the world we live in, it really does. It's like a domino effect. When I made the switch to veganism, so many friends of mine were really curious as to why I made the choice I did. Some of them even decided they wanted to make the switch themselves. Next thing you know I had more then a few friends who went vegetarian or vegan, it made me feel good to know that I could guide them on their journey to healthier eating and compassionate living. It was empowering and it made me feel that I could do just about anything if I really wanted to. I mean, who knew I'd be a vegan 2 years ago? I sure as hell didn't.

So anyway, I really wanted to share this story because I feel it sends a great message and it makes you realize that no matter how small, you CAN make a difference.

Dinosaur Biscuits and Gravy

2010-01-22T19:57:00.000-06:00

Hey you!
Ok so I know this isn't the most glamorous first choice for my vegan blog, but hey it's the most recent thing I've made since creating the blog, and I feel like sharing! Anyway, back in the good ol' days my mom used to make my lil brother and I breakfast on Saturdays. Some of our favorites included: French Toast, Chorizo & eggs, pancakes (his favorite, not mine), and biscuits and gravy.
Nothing says comfort food like biscuits smothered in a sausage gravy. But hey, those days are long gone, and it's a been over a year and half since I gave up meat and its counterparts like milk and eggs. SO, with that being said I present to you my moms recipe, only way cooler because its biscuits shaped like dinosaurs AND the sausage gravy is actually healthy..Whodathunk?

Ok, so I know the plate is paper and its a horrible angle, but cut me a break I'm new at this! I'll get better I swear! just don't lose hope..

Recipe:
I used bisquick to make the biscuits
instead of using cow milk I used original Almond milk because that's what I like and that's what I had in my fridge.

For the gravy I used:
Gimme Lean
(Ground sausage style)
More Almond Milk
a tbsp oil
all purpose flour

You're going to want to get your biscuits in the oven first because this gravy is super quick to make.
So once those biscuits are in the oven, your gonna start browning your sausage. Get a decent sized pan and once heated to medium high heat add the oil. I didn't really measure I just eyeballed it. The point is to make sure the sausage doesn't stick and also to have some oil left over for when you add the flour. once you feel that the sausage is browned enough add some flour..this is to help the milk thicken for the "gravy" like consistency. I personally didn't add enough in the beginning, so once I realized I needed the gravy to be thicker I just added more flour. No big deal. Now as far as how much milk to use, really depends on how much you want. I used the whole thing of sausage, so I just added enough milk to make sure that once it thickened up that I'd have a nice balance of sausage and gravy (sounds perverted lol)
Make sure that the temp isn't to high, because you don't want the milk to burn. Once you feel that the gravy is to the consistency you want, it's done. That's it! nothing to it!

Well that's it for tonight. My boyfriend Alex and I (yes I know my boyfriend and I have the same name..it's not as creepy as it sounds! just wait till you see him, you'll know what I'm talking about;) are going to watch that movie The Lovely Bones. It seems like a really good movie, with a great story. I just hope I don't break down! If I do, at least I will have a shoulder to cry on, maybe if I'm lucky, Alex will take pity in me and buy me a blue raspberry slurpee or something delish to take my mind off life's little mysteries. Goodnight everyone!

The grass is greener..

2010-01-20T19:24:00.001-06:00

Greetings Earthlings! Welcome to my blog, where you will find recipes and insight on the vegan lifestlye. Not only will I be showing you recipes I make, but I will also be giving you information on healthy living. I'm very excited to be starting this, and I really hope it will grow into something big, because I would really like the world to see that not only is vegan food delicious, but it's also easy to make. Long gone are the days when vegans ate "cardboard." It's definitely an unfair stereotype, that I'm sure some very close minded people came up with. The foods I eat are so good, I just had to make a blog about it. :) I look forward to more posts and hopefully some great friends!
Peace!